an ode to my colon

Well,
Another day, sitting here with the cat, thinking about all the things I should do, but sort of avoiding them. Drinking my coffee, needs more sugar, but trying to cut back. Have to go to work in 1 hour, 45 minutes, nope, not counting.
So, the past few days a new experience for me. I am sure many of you have had the experience, and if you haven't I hope you never have too. About 12 years ago or so, my sister had a tumour removed from her colon. She was 29, pretty rare thing for a woman so young. This year, I am turning thirty, and so thought, hey, why not be proactive, and get screened, just to be on the safe side. To screen you for colon cancer, they have to stick a camera on the end of a flexible rod up into your colon via your bum-hole, and have a little look-see. Yes, I said it. Ick. Ick and ouch rather. So, I took two days off work, spent day one eating no food, and drinking lots of liquids as well as drinking this solution which is a purgative and cleans you right out. I spent the day doing a little laundry, went and did some grocery shopping, but for the most part, laid on the couch and napped, and watched mindless television, and running to use the bathroom every so often. In the evening, between 7 and 10 it was about every 15 minutes. Nice.
Day two, spent the morning trying not to think about how my stomach felt like it was eating itself because it was so hungry, and not look at the dark chocolate bunny sitting on the counter. My husband came and picked me up, and took me to the hospital for the "procedure" at 12:30. For colonoscopes you check in at Emergency, and there you sit with all this other people with unknown ailments and injuries until being called into Ambulatory care. It is behind door #2. I kid you not. I sorta felt like I was on a game show. Through the door, a room full of beds with people lying on them, with curtains around them, and then a whole wack of nurses, cleaning people, and well, I am really not sure who all the people were. We are led to my bed with its own curtain where there is a pretty white and blue number with the ties in the back I get to wear. The nurse sits me down, explains the procedure, answers questions and asks me all sorts of probing questions, like what did you eat and drink last and at what time, do you use street drugs, and who is this man, and what is his name....Uh,no, and um, my husband....anyhoo. I don't want to bore you with the details. Anyhow, I go use the loo, then back to my little cubicle to disrobe and put on my hospital gown. There are only a few places where it is acceptable to strip down to your birthday suit in a room full of people. The curtain didn't quite reach all around, so my husband blocked the gap with his body while I changed. When I was done all I had on was my socks and hospital gown, which by the way is very hard to tie when the ties are at the back. Feeling very naked. All my belongings are in a plastic box which is placed under my bed. The nurse couldn't get it to fit, so I hope down to help. Apparently my exposed my bum in the process as my husband tells me, laughingly. Oops. Next, I get wrapped in warm blankets and a IV needle stuck in the vein in my hand. Ow. I look over just in time to see dark crimson blood seeping out the top...hey, thats my blood....thankfully, I don't faint. My husband sits with me and makes me laugh while I lie there under my warm blanket. While lying, my hand hurts so I don't feel like reading a magazine, so I just watch the people go by, because now my curtain is wide open. Across from me is a nurses station. They have a coffee pot going, and some chocolate cake one of them is eating. A little weird to be lying in my jammies, watching some stranger who probably just gave someone a needle or something to be eating chocolate cake. A little while later, some paramedics walk by with a lady on a stretcher. Then, I look back to the nurses station, and there is a dog in there now. I am thinking, not sanitary......The nurses and doctors are gathering around to see the cute little pooch. I am thinking, I hope they wash their hands well. A young teenage boy and his mom walk by, he has injured his hand or something. As people walk by, they stare at me, I stare right back, sort of surreal, having people staring at you while you lie in bed. No privacy in hospitals. Finally its my turn, I ask to use the loo again. I have the IV stand with me this time, a little harder to manuver into the washroom, going pee, washing, all with one hand. I am back out, and my husband says goodbye....we kiss and the nurses say...ewww they're kissing. I hop back on my rolling bed. Into the room with a TV screen, a doctor, and like 3 more nurses. Man, they are everywhere. They hook me up to blood pressure monitor, heart rate monitor, and a few other things, not sure what. I think I am allergic to the adhesive though, becuase i still have red marks on my chest from the electrodes. The doctor comes in, has a chart. Didn't I do some work on your nose. I say no, never had work done on my nose. Never seen you before in my life. He keeps looking at the chart....you're not 59 either are you....Um, no....I'm not. Yeah, he had the wrong chart. I tell him my name, he gets the right chart. Now for the fun. He asks more questions. Mentions some person recently who was 39, and died of colon cancer...hm, thanks very reassuring I think.
He pushes two needles full of sedative into my IV. I start feeling all whooozy.....I am still awake though. Flip on your side they tell me.....well, next thing you know I am looking at my insides on the TV. Not an every day occurrence. I am glad I am still awake, but unfortunately, it hurts quite a bit when they are turning the corners with the camera inside your colon. I yell, owww. Not sure how loud, as I am pretty drugged up. Well, next thing I know, it is all over, my colon is clean, and looking healthy, and they roll me out back into my little curtained area. The nurse brings me crackers and a slice of cheese and some juice. I am pretty happy to be eating something again. I think it was 38 hours with no food.
The nurse phones my husband to tell him I am ready to be picked up. He has barely made it to Starbucks to get his coffee, and he is back to the hospital to get me. I feel good. I think it is mostly relief that it is all over, and I am a happy owner of a healthy colon. Today is the opening of the new gigantic Wal-Mart in town.....so we drive over to check it out....still feeling a bit lightheaded, lightheaded and happy.

For those who have never had a colonoscopy, I hope you never have to. For those of you who may be looking forward to one (or dreading one) it really isn't that bad....and is over before you know it.